Head of the Grass

The quiet bedroom community where I live, home to Nike World headquarters and what is left of the high-tech "silicon forest," has been hit with a new and challenging problem. Scientists at the prestigious, yet unheard of, Oregon Department of Urban Agriculture (ODUA) have dubbed this new blight on the landscaping "Compulsive Yard Obsession Syndrome," or CYOS. CYOS can strike anyone at any age but it is most common among suburban empty-nesters who are too young to retire and yet haven’t found a suitable leisure activity with which to fill their time.

Upon reflection, I suppose it was inevitable but one is inclined to hope that something like this could not take root in one’s own neighborhood. According to a recent survey in the Community Clippings section of the Columbia Compost, there is a one-in-three chance that the average suburban homeowner lives next door to someone suffering from CYOS. A sampling of the view from our front door suggests that our small development has more than its share. The problem is mulch worse than I had initially suspected.

I spoke to a woman in our neighborhood who agreed to be interviewed on the condition of anonymity. She said. "I haven’t seen my husband in weeks. Ever since Home Depot put the Weed Devil 2000 on sale, he hasn’t been the same." Experts at ODUA have seen this trend emerge in their statistical analysis. Dr. Tad Thatcher told me, "They say that recreational yard work is a victimless crime, but those people have never met the families who, having turned a blind eye at first, are ultimately soiled in tragedy."

Other sources suggest that CYOS infected individuals will "bag, wheelbarrow and steel till they get their fix," neglecting their families and loved ones. Entire weekends, once set aside for get-togethers, church picnics and Australian rules touch foosball, are lost to the endless pursuit of "that perfect cut-in around the begonias." This is their mowedus operandi.

"Sure, you can blame the issue on the easy accessibility of riding tractors and weed whackers – it’s a growth industry," said Thatcher, "But there is a disturbing systemic problem in each of the documented CYOS cases: grass. No matter what they are into – shrubs, perennials, or climbing vines – they will all tell you it started with grass. Grass is the gateway plant."

In my day, there were many kids who would reluctantly admit to having "cut the grass" once or twice (perhaps even in hail). However, the new, genetically engineered and pasture-ized grass strains are much more potent than the ones you might have encountered when you were in grade school.

CYOS sufferers need our understanding, not our judgment. The next time you see some poor sod toiling away in his yard singing "Nobody knows the trouble I seed," look directly into his grassy eyes and say, "Pavement: it’s the anti-grass."